Friday, January 1, 2021


This blog post is not inspirational... but it's all me.  Years before I had a professional twitter account, I tweeted anonymously some of my silly musings.  What follows is a collection of those.

People who disagree with me have entirely misunderstood the absurdity of their position.

I've decided to make the most of yesterday. It's just that the timing is a bit awkward.

Bank robbers really should report their additional income  to the IRS ... cause tax evasion could definitely get them in serious trouble.

I talked to the Judge about the importance of forgiveness ... but apparently, his honor doesn't go to church.

Usually I live moment to moment, but sometimes I skip a few "moments."  That can be quite disorienting, actually.

I'm thinking about coming up with a good idea.  Right now, I'm just waiting to see how things play out.  We'll see.

"Hooked on Phonics" really could work for you.  Give it a chance.  Also ... give peace a chance.

If ever you need help with anything ... ever ... please don't hesitate to contact one of your real friends. (Not just saying that either.)

I haven't heard much about the "Cold War" lately.  Perhaps something good has come from "Global Warming."

Sometimes I just don't get it ... like when I was messin' around with thermo-nuclear physics yesterday.

I'm in favor of the ethical treatment of animals. But not fire ants.

It's not easy being this cute. It's sort of a collaborative effort between my stylist, my publicist, and my accountant.

When you come to terms with the fact that life isn't fair, you probably won't be as pissed that I took your parking place.

People who have a lot of answers make me nervous. They gotta be making stuff up.

Sometimes I think I'm poised for greatness ... but then I realize it's just heartburn.

Blood may be thicker than water but it's not quite as thick as fondue cheese.

Broccoli Smoothies are not as good as you would think they would be.

I guess politically correct kids play cowboys and Native Americans. It just doesn't seem like it would be as much fun.

If heaven is like an amusement park with no lines, then I'm really gonna start being good.

I thought about getting a "nose job" but eventually concluded it would get old working with noses all day.

My therapist asked me if I would rather be an apple or an orange.  I protested the question ... you can guess how that conversation went.

You would think that the invention of peep holes would have led to collapse of the "knock-knock joke" industry ... but it just hasn't.

I like the way attractive people look.

If I can get 1,000,000 people to each donate $1, then I'm optimistic that my fundraiser will work.

I've heard people talk about the power of prayer ... but nuclear energy also seems to have a lot of potential.

Life is like a box of donuts ... but with a few more calories than the box of chocolates.

I have not read all of Shakespeare's stuff, but he seems to be a pretty good writer.

There is an adage about walking softly and carrying a big stick, but I find that when I have a real big stick, I can walk however I want.

I look at money the way God does: I don't have to have to have it ... but it would really be nice if people gave me a bunch every Sunday.

Sometimes I find myself offensive ... yeah, I don't know what to do with that.

I'm pretty sure my therapist is ripping me off.  So far, all we're doing is just talking.

I'm planning on becoming filthy rich.  I do have a backup plan though ... and it doesn't require quite as much money.

The coolest thing about being God is not having to footnote any of your books.

I always thought it would be a good idea for people with bad breath to become prolific texters.

Be very skeptical of autobiographies that have extensive bibliographies.

My neighbors have the best neighbors ever.

I went to the neurologist and he told me it was "all in my head."

I imagine that none of the cars in hell have air conditioning ... and I bet that the traffic is absolutely hellacious.

Of all the things I say, I regret the dumb stuff the most.

Mac is indeed a good name for a truck ... also a good name for a daddy.

There comes a day in every man's life when you realize it's time to grow up.  Today is not that day for me.

I frequently get distr

I bet if you ever could walk through a cloud, it would seem kind of foggy.

I refuse to be pessimistic ... which is actually quite remarkable in light of how hopeless the situation is.

There's a song in my heart ... but I wish it were a catchier tune.

I consider myself a "part-time philosopher." It's not much of a living really.

I've learned the secret in most races ... is to run faster.

People like me are usually just full of it.

The road to hell is not actually paved ... So be careful with your pithy expressions.

When someone tells me "nanny nanny boo boo," I just think they're so immature.  Besides, I'm rubber and they're glue ...

I do believe in "situation ethics" ... but only in certain situations.

I wonder what sorts of skills shepherds list on their resume.  (I never said I wonder about sensible things.)

I'm convinced that I could accomplish much more if I had a cape.

An apple a day ... and oatmeal, fresh vegetables, whole wheat, a daily multivitamin, and plenty of exercise , keeps the doctor away.

I hope my issues are "developmentally appropriate" ... cause if they're not, I've REALLY got issues.

"The truth will set you free"  ... is not a particularly good motto for criminals.

Some things are better left unsaid ... like those times you criticize me.

I wonder what religion God is partial to.

I hope I'm not made in God's image ... cause that wouldn't reflect too well on God.

I've decided not to talk to idiots today.  If you see me just wave at you, you might need to do some "soul searching."

Sometimes I lose my "cool" ... but right now, I think it's just misplaced.

I'm afraid I've forgotten the awesome idea that I'm fairly certain I had.

If reincarnation is true, I hope I don't come back as one of those people who doesn't believe in reincarnation, cause I hate being wrong.

I've noticed that beautiful people tend to monopolize the convertibles in parades.

Criminals should start smiling for their mugshots. I think they would notice that their whole outlook changes.

Those who repeat the past, are condemned to have deja vu.

The truth is usually somewhere in the middle ... which is why I usually tune out at the beginning and end of conversations.

When things don't go as planned, I find it's best to just pretend.

Ever since I read about what went down in the Garden of Eden, I've been very leery about talking snakes.

I have a killer idea for a reusable paper towel ... but instead of paper, it would probably need to be some sort of cloth-like material.

I march to the beat of an imaginary drummer that doesn't keep good time.

If you find yourself in prison for a crime you did not commit, ask your lawyer for some sort of refund.

If I die and see a light at the end of a tunnel,  I'll probably be wondering why in the hell God put tunnels in heaven.

If we run into each other in another life ... let's just play it cool.

I make it a point to respect people who tell me, "the feeling is mutual."

It sort of made me feel bad, when my therapist said, "Are you serious?" like 10 times in our first session.

I make a point to avoid hanging out with people who are "judgmental."

I hope to look back on our time together with fond memories ... so try to be cool, ok?

Be true to yourself ... unless you're a total jerk ... and then we'd all like you to pretend.

If you can't say something constructive to me, just give me a shallow compliment.

If anyone tries to get you to do spaghetti on the grill, they're messing with you, cause that doesn't work.

Jesus, Buddha, and Mohammad walked into a bar.  I don't know what was said but think of the possibilities.

How cool would it be if God had a twitter account? (e.g. @God "About that earthquake ... my bad."

Sometimes I smile in the face of danger ... but usually I run.

If you decide to become religious, it's VERY important that you choose the right one.  I'm just sayin' …

When Jesus wasn't sure what to do in a certain situation, he probably just thought to himself, "What would I do?"

For the most part, God spaced out the holidays pretty well.

There are salmon who swim their butt off to get upstream, and then get eaten by a bear ... so your life really isn't too bad.

I used to be depressed about my incoherent babbling, but lately, I've not been depressed about it.  So hey ... progress.

When the poop hits the fan, everyone ducks, but what is really needed is for someone to ask why anyone is throwing poop at a fan.

It's good to "suck the marrow" out of life ... but I don't recommend doing it to a chicken bone.

4 out of 5 dentists graduated in the top 80% of their dental class.

What if you went to Confession, and your priest said, "Father Mike, you gotta come hear this."

Whenever people tell me I'm wrong, I usually clarify things for them ... cause they're clearly mistaken.

Sauntering" is usually quicker than "meandering."  I hope this helps.

I heard NY is thinking about annexing those little New England states.  NY can be pushy like that.

If you've spent any length of time trying to contact me on CB radio, you've probably been frustrated ... cause I don't have a CB radio.

I think more people should use the term "freakin'" in business meetings.  It adds authenticity to any conversation.

It's unfortunate that those who need my advice do not have the good sense to ask for it.

I know God meant to punish the talking snake by making all snakes slither on their belly, but the snakes I've seen don't seem too put out.

I've noticed that healthy foods tend to taste a lot like fruits and vegetables.

I'm making this statistic up ... but 68 percent of Americans are nuts.

If I had to start a war, I would call it "Operation Whoop-ass.". I just think it would set the right tone.

Your life is a canvas on which you can paint a beautiful picture ... or you could download a free one off the internet.

If everyone committed to doing just one extraordinary thing for me ... think how much nicer my life would be.

If you can't find the proof you're looking for, you're probably just looking in all the wrong pudding.

No one has ever committed a violent crime while drinking a chocolate milkshake.  The conclusion here is obvious.

"Make love, not war" is a good slogan for every decade.

Today will eventually remind me of another great day I had.

It can be rewarding to reflect on one's brilliant ideas. So if I ever have one, I'm definitely going to reflect on it.

If you've ever had a random, silly, utterly inconsequential thought, we could be kindred spirits.

If you are already in the room after you discover your zipper down, casually remark, "wait  a minute ... where are the urinals?"

I guess in the "old days" they didn't do things the "old fashioned way" ... they just did it the regular way.

Sometimes your brain can represent different seasons.  Like mine is Friday.  Also, still waiting on the CAT scan results.

I think those folks who look down on others are about the lowest form of ...  never mind.

I couldn't tell if the judge was mad or if he really wasn't ticklish.

There were very few "repeat offenders" in the Old Testament ... what with the stoning and all.

I thought the expression "rules are made to be broken" was a famous one ... but this judge doesn't seem to know about it.

If you're reading this while you're driving, shame on you.  If you're not driving, you probably would have been better off going for a drive

If I'm ever reincarnated, I hope I come back as a Hindu.  It could be terribly confusing otherwise.

If you're walking down the street and a lion starts chasing you ... I hope you escape, cause that will make a great story.

Sometimes when I'm at a friend's house, I like to say, "Hey, make yourself at home."

I guess there's more than one way to skin a cat, but if that's interesting to you ... you need therapy, dude.

I guess Jesus never said, " Hey ... Nobody's perfect!"

If I ever get arrested, I hope they forget to read me my rights.  What a great "loophole" that would be!

The doctor told me to drink more fluids in the morning but now the bourbon seems to be interacting with my cholesterol meds.

If I'm ever irritable with you, don't take it personally ... you probably just caught me on a bad year.

I hate it when I hear a dumb comment ... and realize I heard it because I said it.

It would have been so cool if Christ had passed around an ice cream cone at the Last Supper.  That would really make communion awesome.

"Regret" is generally not very constructive. Please disregard this advice when speaking before your parole board.

Pray for those who persecute you.  Also, file a police report, obtain a restraining order, and press charges.

If I ever get to be a movie star, you might start reading books  ... cause the movie industry is hurtin'.

I'm very discriminating about the propaganda I choose to swallow blindly.  My main rule of thumb is to only believe the true stuff.

The truth can be a slippery thing ... like snot on a door knob ... (or something else slippery.)

Concussions are a serious thing. My seven almost warped my sense of humor.

The world would be a more pleasant place if those two possums had been tardy getting to the ark.

The human brain may reflect intelligent design, but the male nipple reflects mediocre design.

The Truth is sometimes like a wedgie ... in that it can be uncomfortable. 

In lieu of sending flowers to my funeral, please send me gift certificates now.

When they carve the epitaph on my tombstone ... I hope it's a long time from now.

I don't pretend to know the future.  But I do pretend to know lots of other stuff.

I really like to say clever things ... but I've been in a "dry spell" for a few years now.

Freedom in America comes with a cost.  The judge set my bail at five thousand, for example.

I bet the Pope is easy to recognize at a pool party.  Just sayin'...

Whenever I interview for a job, I tell the employer, " Don't call me; I'll call you." (It makes me feel like I'm holding the cards.)

Sometimes there are people in this world who just kick your butt ... which is why I'm always packin' Charmin.

I'm still trying to figure out how to strut, sitting down.

I sometimes have a point ... and that's something.

I'm not optimistic about the future of Eight-Tracks or Palm Pilots.

It turns out ... "The truth is a funny thing, your honor." ... is not an effective line.

I tell the truth most of the time.  Try to be discerning.

One idea is to tell your boss he "takes work too seriously."  Maybe that idea will work out better for you.

When Noah saw the dinosaurs coming toward the Ark, I bet he thought to himself, "You gotta be kidding me!"

Life is like changing a baby's diaper; you never know what you're gonna get.  Well ...  you do sometimes.  That reminds me of a bumper sticker.

It's generally nice to feel "needed" ... except like during roll call on Cell Block D.

If they ever write a book about me, I hope it has a happy ending ... cause .... you know ...

I can find the humor in most of life ... especially the funny parts.

Never trust a liar who is smiling.  Actually, the "smiling" part is not that important.   

I'm resolving to live each day as if my life depended on it.

Santa delivering presents on Jesus' birthday ... one of the great coincidences of history.   

Please remember the importance of forgiveness after I take your cookies.

I've decided to exchange my core values for a plethora of peripheral values.

I've never really scoffed at danger.   Actually, I'm not even sure of the correct way to scoff.   

If the sun explodes, I hope it happens in the summer ... cause otherwise, I bet it would get really cold.

It's not all about winning.  Sometimes it's about the trophy.  

Fool me once ... shame on me.  Fool me twice ... and buddy ... you have lost yourself a friend.

Studies have shown that research causes side effects.   

You can take my body ... my mind ... and my heart ... but please don't ever take my essence.   

I actually prefer blessings without disguise.   

I'm probably not as smart as I hoped you assumed a person like me thinks he should be. 

Sometimes when I'm sad, I think to myself, "don't be sad."  (This doesn't work by the way.) 

I'm thinking about achieving total enlightenment for 5 easy payments of 49.95.   

And don't forget to hand your cafe mocha to a friend before getting on the trampoline.   

I've reviewed your chart and it appears you ingested some di-hydrogen monoxide.   

If you're ever lost in the woods, remember ... moss is usually a greenish color.  

We don't have to be monkeys to pull ticks off each other.  It's just a kind gesture.   

Tip-o-the-day: If you ever ride in a time machine, make sure you take along a healthy snack.  You know ... just in case.

If you could get into the brain of a genius ... you'd probably find it wet and slippery.   

I've heard laughter is the best medicine.  But if you have an infection, you should probably consider an antibiotic.

I've done some research on the "secret of life" ... and it appears to be breathing. (So keep it up.)

A mind and the last piece of cheesecake are both terrible things to waste.   

"... like a toilet that just won't flush" could be a great metaphor.  I'm just not sure for what yet. 

Some children's songs really hit the nail on the head ... like "Jimmy cracks corn and I don't care." 

Fridays light up my life like a candle lights up a mostly lit room.

When you hear the title, you think the song could work as a lullaby ... But "Sweet Child-O-Mine" just doesn't ... on any level

Never underestimate the value of a dollar ... Well actually, with inflation and all, it might be a good idea ... so never mind.

Tip-o-the-day: when "riding off into the sunset," make sure you're heading west. Otherwise, it ruins the whole concept.

I wonder why the proof is never in the jell-o.   

I suspect there aren't a lot of pilots with bad resumes.   

Security, camaraderie, support, stability ... see, it is possible to be on a chain gang and look at the bright side of things.

If you're looking for something to do today, you could try weaving your hopes and dreams into a beautiful tapestry ... or you could go to a bar.

Sometimes I pretend I know what I'm talking about .......... actually, a lot of times.   

I no longer have a problem with "denial." 

When a dog lacks perspective, perhaps it's because he can't see the forest for the toilets.   

I believe the children are our future ... but I'm not prepared to sing a song about it.   

When a proctologist wins an award, you gotta wonder who or what they thank for their inspiration. 

I bet a zebra without stripes looks kind of like a white donkey.  

God is the inventor of bling ... what with streets of gold and all.  

Bamboo can be quite nourishing ... And a toothpick is included.   

I bet it could be dangerous if you're scuba diving and you remember a really funny joke.  

Whenever someone loans me money, I like to say, "Your kindness can never be repaid."

Going for a walk at dusk is kind of like going for a drive at dusk ... but slower.   

Boy that was weird ... I just had a flashback to a time when I had deja vu.

Just have your people get in touch with my people.  (Man, that's fun to say.)

My future biographer will want to think about how he's gonna supplement his income

If you're bored with your life, quit trying to remain "above the fray."  A good fray can really spice things up.  

Dinosaurs may have lived in a "dog eat dog world" .. but I bet they didn't care ... you know ... cause they were dinosaurs.

A great smile can light up a room ... so can a nice lamp.

It would really help me out if everyone would give me a dollar ... Not asking for handouts ... Just a dollar.

You can pick your friends, but you can't floss their teeth ... so it's best to pick friends who already have good teeth.

In one sense, the bottom line is "crack."

Life is too short to spend time not eating chocolate chip cookies.

The world would be a better place if we all knew how to get ... how to get to Sesame Street.

The guy in front of me needs to get off his phone and pay attention to his driving.

If my life is made into a movie, I hope it would have a really cool soundtrack.  Otherwise, I probably wouldn't watch it.

I think people should exchange "LOL" for a new acronym: "LTM" (Laugh To Myself) ... and then not type it.

(I'm truly sorry about all the time you just wasted.)

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